Being realistic is wonderful advice. Sometimes.
There are consequences to ignoring your idea of what’s possible. Often, they can be brutal, too. Failure to honor your current truthful restrictions (whatever they may be) can result in death, even- possibly, depending on the specific situation, of course.
It doesn’t have to be quite that dramatic, but failure to acknowledge realistic expectations can nurture something in you that is anything but loving.
Yet, locking yourself inside that tiny box forever (well… for as long as you can, really) is also excruciating. Maybe equally so- or worse… or less. Who knows? I don’t think it matters.
Anyway, let’s talk about realistic expectations.
What Are Realistic Expectations?
Can you even gauge realistic expectations? Especially when you have no idea what that scale even looks like?
“Reality” kinda looks different for everybody. Some people live in a mansion in Bel Air. Others cannot even imagine what that might be like. I, personally, don’t even want to.
Regardless of what our environment is like, it tells us about the world at large. “It’s this way for me, so it must be like that for everyone.” As you know, that’s not always accurate.
It’s an attempt to measure something that is ultimately unmeasurable.
It seems that being realistic is more about duration and self-awareness than it is an actual, hardened standard. I don’t know how something can be “realistic”, or not, when there are countless variables at play. But I can get a relative understanding of my own personal (inner) experiences.
Yet, complete disregard for some level of workable practicality can prove incredibly challenging. Failure to respect honest expectations could become its own venomous trap. But, so can adhering to it without a healthy dose of wonder.
You know what? Looking at it now, perhaps being realistic is more about acceptance while working towards something more. Maybe realistic expectations are simply a matter of clearer understanding.
Acceptance of How It Is Right Now
Accepting what is, right now- as it really is, continues to be imperative.
If you’re trying to change something without accepting it first, you’re probably going to have a very difficult time. You can’t exactly make a water painting out of clay. You know? In a similar fashion, you can’t expect something to stick without glue (or nails, or whatever.)
You can only work with what is “real” right now. Otherwise, it will all likely fall apart at some point. Mostly because ‘it’ was built on a lie. And lies make a weak foundation. They tend to crumble once they’re seen.
The Vital Understanding of Subjective “Reality”
Thankfully (or not) expectations are subjective. Reality for me isn’t the same “reality” for everyone else. I have my own biases, opinions, experiences, and views.
Views might look very different to you, for the same reason. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se, but it is important to understand.
We live on the same planet (I think) but each of us experiences our own personal actuality, on an individual level.
On top of that, even our day to day experiences can vary greatly, which only adds to the individual variation.
Plus, we have the general “reality” that everything occurs in- the shared setting. But you can’t possibly experience every moment and every possible aspect within it. Thus, your understanding of it remains individualized. It’s simply different.
That could be a powerful thing, if we chose to let it be- as a collective.
Either way, it’s imperative to acknowledge and accept the plethora and ever fluctuating nature of subjective reality. Because, that’s largely all our personal experiences are.
Expectations must change with the ever-changing nature of actuality. I mean, ‘the real world’ tends to fluctuate quite a bit. It only ‘remains the same’ where it remains. You know?
You wouldn’t expect a three-year-old to talk to you about relationship dynamics, or cellular-level activity, right? But you would probably need that understanding from a therapist, for example, or a doctor (perhaps of a certain kind.)
Forcing strict lines where they don’t actually exist has painful consequences. Still, failure to acknowledge boundaries ends in agony.
Opinionated Factuality
Most things that people ‘know’ aren’t (meaningful) facts.
They know interpretations of facts, maybe. But we humans mostly operate on biased viewpoints and opinions.
There might be lessons learned, working theories, and insecurities at play though. That’s not exactly hard, undeniable proof of anything. (But it does point to something, probably.)
Unfortunately for us, a large part of ‘civilization’ is just subtly trying to force others into a certain viewpoint. It might be a religion, a political reasoning, some virtue- something is always trying to get your attention.
That may or may not be fine. It becomes far more concerning the closer such tactics make their way to you, personally.
It’s a complete obstruction of boundaries, when people try to con you into their opinion of what reality is. Or what expectations you’re “allowed” to have. That’s about control.
Besides, a purely objective setting would be miserable. Wouldn’t it? People are people. A good portion of our human experience can’t be documented, exactly. It’s beyond data and hard facts. Humanity goes far deeper than any piece of paper, and higher (and lower) than some convenient (non) “fact.”
Society is pretty heavy on swaying what a realistic expectation might be. One person might find your standards reasonable. But someone else might be stunned by the same forecast.
Why Being Realistic Is Important (Sometimes)
I’m not really a fan, anymore, of understandable expectations- so much. I despise it when others try to force what they expect from their subjective reality on me, mostly.
But trying to overreach in my healing made it undeniably clear that such standards have their rightful place.
I have a habit of going too far, too fast. I expect myself to heal everything right now (as if that’s gonna happen.) And when I ultimately, to nobody’s surprise, fail to meet those impossible standards, (that my conditioning gave me) I feel even worse about myself.
Then I have to dig again, until I feel genuinely more confident- which takes a while, and uses a lot of my energy.
Realistic expectations are absolutely important. But only where they are actually important. Everything else is a trap waiting to suck out your energy from a metaphorical straw, and eat it for lunch- like your dreams are nothing more than a nutritional supplement shake, or something.
In other words, being realistic is undeniable where it is needed. But it isn’t everything. Far from it. Holding on to ‘fair standards’ (if that exists) holds you back. Of course they do; attempting truthful gauging is heavy as hell.
A Reason To Break Harsh Sensibility
Where would we be if everyone was ‘brought back to Earth’, instead of dreaming?
Would there be art, of any kind? Probably not. That isn’t a “realistic” expression. That’s kind of the point, isn’t it?
Would there be planes, or phones, or even electricity? How?
If they were never dreamt of- if those minds stayed confined in “reality” and never dared to explore outside of it, there could be no change. The possibility couldn’t be recognized.
And maybe that’s all realistic expectations are, for the most part. They simply are the result of vague understanding pretending to be factual. But as things change, so does one’s knowledge. Which, in return, alters (potential) actuality.
If I listened to the myriad of ‘reasonable’ standards, I never would have found myself. I never would have found my voice, or learned to connect with my parts. And that, practically alone, is how I found any healing whatsoever.
‘Reasonable’ Assumptions Attack!
You know what’s funny? ‘Coming back down to Earth’ only seems to be implemented when you might have something to gain- not necessarily much to lose. Although, of course, it’s painted in a “caring” manner (even when it’s far from compassionate). Maybe it’s about ‘keeping you in your place,’ more than anything else?
For example, a therapist once shattered my optimism when she angrily proclaimed that my life belonged to post traumatic stress. She scolded me for having hope, when I needed to hold on to possibility the most.
She got visibly angry with me because I was still trying to build my life, anyway. Just trying not to fall into the pit I could so clearly feel chasing me.
Her exact words were, “This is your life now. Stop trying to make it better. You have to accept this is your life! Stop trying to change it!”
My hope, in her ‘professional opinion’ I guess, was “unrealistic.” She verbally shocked me back to being “sensible”. And I deteriorated from that conversation on- a downward spiral that would continue for years and years.
That therapist got her wish. She ‘won’ (that chapter, I suppose. I’m not done yet. And I did make it better, thank you very much.) Instead of building a life at all, I fell into “reality.” The place of never-ending nightmares and debilitating misery- both inside and out.
I often wonder why? Why was that the “healthy” thing to do? I was seeing a therapist, obviously. I wanted to talk about ‘it.’ I could at least learn how to cope, right? That’s all I was trying to do. Just… cope and NOT lose my life to trauma, yet again.
I’m not sure cutting the last thread of hope is a good tactic- no matter who it is. Yet, apparently, that’s just having honest expectations?
That’s… Yea, no wonder I fucking went insane.
I fail to see how that viewpoint is reasonable, even to this day. But it does illustrate how weaponized and detrimental ‘being realistic’ can sometimes get.
Being Realistic With Manipulation
Let’s take a moment to focus on how certain expectations can be wildly misused in controlling relationships.
You might be told that you’re feeling the wrong way. (That’s not possible, to be clear, but let’s not digress.) That you’re expecting too much, when you’re begging for the bare minimum. You know the deal, I presume.
Again “reality” is subjective (as far as we can work with it, anyway). That means that whoever’s views are their own views. Yours are yours.
Remember when I said that ‘coming back down to Earth’ happens when you might gain something the most? That can only be because people don’t want you to reach for your glory. They don’t want you to see your potential. They can’t control you that way. Many people pop your bubble just to keep you stuck. Maybe you threaten them, in some way.
Reality Exists
I don’t care if this life is taking place in a simulation, if we’re just pawns in some epic battle for souls, or if it’s all a mistake. The answer to the mystery is anyone’s guess, even if you have proof.
Regardless, there is still an objective reality. Right? Like we’re existing (um, as much as you’re existing- depending on how you look at it, I guess). You’re reading this. Something is happening. That’s “reality” too.
On this level, there is an environment, consequences, and activity that interacts with other people and activity. I guess that’s all actuality can be- to a certain point, perhaps.
Going too far away from that objective environment puts all kinds of weird shit in your head. It fucks with you. Trying to force control where you don’t have any doesn’t tend to go well.
Personally, the biggest sign that I’m not in my factual being (physical setting, but true self too) is that my mind keeps falling on the old, abusively taught programs.
Being Real With Realistic Expectations
Fair standards most certainly have their place. Without them, it’s easy to go way too far, against your own good. You can view yourself in a highly dishonest light that way. And then, you’ll probably punish yourself for it, somehow. Either that, or you simply stop trying altogether. Humans are like that.
Ideals have their place, too. But they can keep you unaware of actuality- which is also not helpful.
You need realistic expectations for compassion. But you also need daydreams to inspire you.
I guess the truth lies somewhere in between. Progress takes both. Life is most lively in the midst of understanding and mystery.